Election Official's Night Before Christmas

ELECTION OFFICIAL'S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

By: J. Patrick Kelly

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a computer mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that no recall petitions would be there;

The employees were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of recounts danced in their heads;

And ma in her kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down with a hot toddy and our big furry cat,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter!

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters, and threw out the trash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow

Gave the luster of a lobbyist all warm and aglow,

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But a slick politician with an entourage of reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in an instance he was up to some trick.

More rapid than eagles his courses they came,

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;

“Now Press Corps! Now Publicists! Now Focus Groups all!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney came the politician with a bound!

He was dressed all in fur and diamond and rings;

And his clothes were all polished and his teeth were so clean!

No bundle of toys were flung on his back,

It was easy to tell he was a political flack!

A wink of his eye and a twist of head,

Soon gave me to know I had a lot to dread.

He spoke many words and went straight to work,

Insuring that his message was full of all sorts of quirks.

He demanded his party lists and his precincts like loot,

But he let out a howl when the dog bit his boot!

He threw me his campaign finance forms with flourish and glee,

He knew he had all the money washed carefully.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And with a spin of his head, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his limo, to his PR team gave a whistle,

And they all flew away like the down of a thistle.

And I heard him exclaim as through the Midnight he flew,

“Trust me dear Voters, I’m here to help you!”

Copyright 2010

What a difference a week makes!

The Baltimore County Republican Central Committee took some time to get organized. After three meetings in four weeks, they seemed to find their sea legs and get down to business.

The first meeting got off on the wrong foot.

The next meeting was, well, something.

On Monday, December 6, 2010, though, things were different. First was the pre-meeting meeting of the Lincoln/Reagan Dinner Planning Committee. What do you think?

In the meeting that followed, everybody focused on doing business. See?

They finished quickly and were joined by the 42nd District Republican Club, many party activists and elected officials for a Holiday Celebration.

Throughout, all doors, if not minds, were wide open.

Next stop - MDGOP Convention!

Signs of the Times

During two of the last three weeks, my wife and I were visiting the panhandle of Alaska and the Pacific Northwest.

During visits to four Alaskan communities during the two weeks preceding the primary election, we saw a total of one political campaign sign. That sign, attached to the second floor façade of a home on a hill in Ketchikan, was the size of a standard yard sign. We had to look up to see it! It was for the incumbent U.S. Senator, Lisa Murkowski.

Last week, we travelled through Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming and Utah. Travelling east to west across Washington over two days, we saw three yard signs. Their primary election was that week.

Idaho was bereft of political signs, as was Montana. No signs were evident in Utah, either. I am betting Brigham disapproved.

Wyoming had the mother lode, it seems. On one vacant corner of an intersection of two six-lane roads, in what claimed to be a town, there were as many as ten signs ranging in size from yard size to 4X8. Then, in Afton, a town of 100 homes, there was a sign in the window of a store.

There was an archway over Main Street that purports to be constructed of more elk antlers that any other arch on the world, and one political sign. We were there on Wednesday, one entire day after the statewide primary, so we figured everyone running for office had travelled across the state and collected all the signs after the polls closed on Tuesday.

That’s plausible, isn’t it?

What should Judge Sweeney do about Sheila?

Mayor Sheila Dixon of Baltimore was convicted, after more than forty hours of deliberation of keeping and using gift cards given to her as Mayor to dispense to needy citizens of Baltimore.

This is punishable by up to five years in prison. Additionally, a conviction requires the Mayor to resign the office.

The Judge can strike the verdict if he does not believe the evidence supported the jury finding. Should he?

The Judge can strike the verdict and enter a finding of probation before judgement the effect of which is to vacate the conviction and permit the Mayor to continue in office. Should he?

If convicted, the Mayor will definitely appeal the conviction. The Judge can hold off on the finding of guilt, and the attendant penalties, pending the appeal. Should he?

What do you think?

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't neglect to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does.

Therefore, next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circle your block for one hour for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root-out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America! It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat.

Obituary – Common Sense (London Times)

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was. His birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place:

- Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;

- teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;

- and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further, when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sunscreen or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death:

- by his parents, Truth and Trust;

- by his wife, Discretion;

- by his daughter, Responsibility and

- by his son, Reason.

His four stepbrothers survive him:

- I Know My Rights

- I Want It Now

- Someone Else Is To Blame

- I am a Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.

If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Would you have approved?

Passed on to me from my old friend Phil –

If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a teleprompter installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how he inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?

If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?

If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had visited Austria and referred to the non-existent "Austrian language," would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?

If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?

If George W. Bush had misspelled the word "advice" would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potato as proof of what a dunce he is?

If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?

If George W. Bush's administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11?

If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans, would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?
 
If George W. Bush had created positions for 32 Czars reporting directly to him, bypassing the House and Senate on much of what is happening in America, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?

If George W Bush had proposed to double the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within ten years, would you have approved?

So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive?

Can't think of anything?

Don't worry. He's done all this in five months -- so you'll have three years and seven months to come up with an answer.